Today is a very special day in the life of Jenaya. Very very special day. Today is my ½ birthday!!!
(Insert streamers and noise-makers)
I had a great time today enjoying myself’s company. I got to sleep in and lay in bed for as
long as I wanted which was about 12 noon.
I don’t know what happened, but I woke up at 7:30 am, rolled over and
blinked, and it was 10:30, rolled over and blinked again, and it was 11:45.
Shame on the crazy time of the post-millenial era.
I was super hungry when awaking from my long slumber and ate
vegan rabbit food. I made some
vegan taco meat stuff out of soy tempeh either yesterday or the day before
that. I opened a can of navy beans
(my FAVORITE), drained the juice and squashed about ½ of them so it would make
a more attractive looking refried bean concoction. Then I got out some Zatarain’s Red Beans and Rice. I pulled out my Rubbermaid plastic
china, carefully placed my 3 mini-entrees into my bowl in even thirds and
reheated my masterpiece. With my
blue-corn tortilla chips, I ate my way to delight with dollops of vegan sour
cream, which tastes amazingly similar to regular sour cream—it is denser
though.
I followed that with some coconut milk ice cream—Mint
Chip—mm mm good!
At about 2pm, I thought it would be a good idea to get
dressed. I couldn’t figure out
what to wear for my special day.
Then I said:
AHA!!! MY MURRAY STATE PANTS!!!!!!
What geniusness.
I got to FINALLY walk around WKU with my alma mater pants
and had an excuse. Not an
excuse. A reason. Today’s my ½ birthday and I can wear
what I want to wear. I don’t think
I’ve ever wanted anyone to look at my butt/back of my leg until today. I wish I could have taken a picture of
it for you, but that would be highly inappropriate and my future husband (wherever
he may be) wouldn’t like the back of my leg on my blog. It says “RACERS” in big block letters
down the back of my leg. So just in case you didn’t know to what rhythm my
heart beats, you can just walk away and you’ll say, “No more questions, your
Honor.”
After Bible study, the Bible study leader ever so graciously
took me to Kroger where I got to buy my “I love me” gift. My rule on my birthday celebration days
(which are the 3rd of EVERY month) is I can buy myself anything
within reason. And on my ½ birthday,
“within reason” can be a little more pricey. Today I spent $12.
I got a box of organic cookies, some peas, tofu, and a vegan pot
pie. I ate the cookies on the bus
ride home and the pot pie in front of my window.
A good day.
A great day.
After I tell people about my birthday celebrations, they
never cease to raise their eyebrow completely perplexed and ask why oh why I do
this. After their nervous
giggling, I tell them because I am just that awesome, I deserve lots of
celebrations. That is part of the
reason. You will never and I mean
NEVER allow someone to love, feel someone’s love, appreciate someone’s love,
know when someone is extending you TRUE love until you allow yourself to love
yourself, feel your own love towards yourself, appreciate yourself, truly love
yourself in healthy ways. People
are in abusive, unhealthy, premature relationships (speaking of “romantic”
relationships) now because they don’t know what true love is and how much they are
worth.
That’s reasons #2-5 of why I celebrate my birthday so often.
I decided that whilst waiting of my precious love of my life
to rescue me from my singleness, that I would learn what Jenaya likes and how
to love myself. At first when
starting this practice a little over 10 years ago, I felt so guilty spending
money and time on myself just for the sake of celebrating what God is
accomplishing in me. But the more
I focused on celebrating, the higher my self-efficacy and positivity became. Now, I don’t falter when I get
attention from boys/youngsters/man-wanna-be’s because I’m not
love-starved. My Savior gave me
the idea and I’m so grateful He did.
Reasons #6-459 of why I do this is because for 6 years, I
was addicted to pornography. I
found out about it at 9 and was entrapped by it until I was 15. It took 18 months of hell to recover
from it and I can now say it has be 6 years since I’ve been truly free. May God be praised! What a terrible and dark and depressing
and lonely and traumatizing place to be—to try to find love and acceptance in
pictures that give back a standard you’ll never meet and an image that is not
of God and His love.
So the real reason why I celebrate my birthdays? When I was trying to get free from
pornography, I set goals for myself.
If I could make it 1 day without looking at porn, I would
celebrate. Soon, I could make it a
whole week. Then 2 weeks. Then I could do a month. I had to extrinsically motivate myself
to get rid of the filth rolling around in my head and the stimuli with which I
would entice myself. If I stayed
porn-free for a month, I would spend the whole day thanking God for the HUGE
victory and would enjoy a guilty pleasure.
Now two things for my reading audience.
1. I HIGHLY recommend strategically setting
frequent days to enjoy yourself and figure out who you are. I celebrate my birthdays, but it could
be any day that means something special for you. Are you broke?
No reason to not celebrate.
I’m broke on most of my birthdays too. On those days, I wear my favorite pair of socks, play my
favorite song several times, enjoy a movie I haven’t seen in a while, have a
home-work free evening. Whatever
you choose, plan for it a couple days in advance so you anticipate your special
day.
2. If you are one that has a sexual addiction or
are trapped in a sexual identity crisis and want out, I’d love to share with
you my story and to hear yours. I am at a place now
in my life where I want to share what God has done in my life and want to show
others that FREEDOM IS POSSIBLE!! I can’t tell you how many times I would read
in books about how girls are never addicted to porn or that it’s normal/acceptable
to indulge in sexual exploits “as long as you’re not having sex” or that you
need to have occasional “sexual release.”
This is not the life God envisioned for His children and when you see
what He desires, you will run towards the light and do whatever it takes to
embrace His will for your life.
After all, what better sex life can have than the one the Creator of sex
created, right??!
Anyway. I hope
this has encouraged someone somewhere out in cyberspace. I wasn’t planning on talking about
sexual addiction on my blog for my 1/2 birthday, but I gotta be obedient to what
Jesus says cuz I love Him desperately and want to be a reflection for His
glory.
Be blessed everybody!
JLP
November 3, 2011
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